Ski Accident Recovery: Reflections on getting off the toilet

I used to tell people that I did my best to stay fit because I want to be able to get off of the toilet when I’m 90 years old. Thing is, today, at age 48, I have trouble standing up from the toilet without assistance.

Yep. I spent years riding bikes and running and swimming and hiking and climbing and playing volleyball & basketball – and I spent most of my 40s lifting and gymnasticsing and HIITing so I could be in good shape. Today, however, I walk slowly and with a limp. And I haven’t been this weak since … maybe, ever.

It feels unfair, that after the work I did to gain fitness, it’s gone in a moment. One day I had the physical capacity to do almost anything I wanted to do. The next day I didn’t get out of the ICU bed. And when I did get up days later, I couldn’t stand up even with help from four people.

I don’t expect this to be my permanent reality. I’m stronger today than I was at the end of March. I’m stronger today than I was in early May when I was released from the hospital. I’m probably stronger today than I was last week. In the ‘clouds and silver lining’ category, that makes me happy.

So, I suppose my current project is similar to my project before the accident – get stronger, get fitter, so that I have an easier time getting off the toilet at 90 than I do at 48.

One Month Ago, One Week From Now

So, I'm ready. One month ago today (Monday), I was released from being an inpatient at Craig Hospital. And one week from today, hopefully my reality will change substantially. I'm ready.

See, here's what I'm dealing with. In mid March I experienced an accident while skiing, which caused damage to my knee and shoulder (sprains), to my spinal column (broken vertebrae), to my spinal cord (damage to nerves inside the vertebrae), and to my brain (concussion). Since then, I've been working through what feels like a really slow process of healing from those injuries.

But Monday is a big day. We'll be going to see the surgeon (who didn't do surgery on me) - the surgeon who first saw me because of the broken vertebrae - the surgeon who directed me to wear a torso brace whenever I'm not in bed, and a neck brace 100% of the time. Our hope is that the x-rays we get later this week will show that there's enough healing of the fractures that these braces will no longer be necessary.

Of course, the paranoia and worry that almost overwhelm me every night say that there'll be some problem that will require immediate surgery (on Monday afternoon), which will lead to seven more months of bracing. My rational mind does its best to squash those ideas, but they keep popping up especially when I'm laying in bed not quite drifting off to sleep.

Hopefully, soon I'll finally be allowed to go without those braces. Which will feel ridiculously great, and probably exhausting at the same time, since I'll hafta start using those torso muscles that've been on break for months. But I'll take exhausted, since it'll mean that I can move around more freely.

Here's hoping for good news on Monday - because I'm ready to start moving a little more than I've been able to.

Grief: after the death of Love

Unwanted
Like the broken chips settled to the bottom of the bag
a remnant of something
    that was once valued
they're no longer worth reaching for

Unstable

Like the ground underfoot

Terra Firma, constantly reliable

   the foundation of everything

until the earthquake

rips away what once felt solid

    leaving no point of reliable reference

Desperate

Like diving into the deep end

    to pick up pennies tossed there

how many can you get?

    one, two, three, four ... probably one more

but your breath's suddenly gone

    and you're still twelve feet down

frantic, clawing the water

    there's not enough traction to move quickly up

  you're where you don't belong

    and you have to escape

the panic hangs on even 

    when you're back on solid ground

Incomplete

Like an infant wailing for mom

    who's only just gone to the grocery store

    a ten minute trip for mom

but an infant's eternity, anticipating

    an isolation that may never end

New Year's Day

a turn of the page on the wall
the tick of a clock hand -
this one, especially
as it made its way around the globe
seems more significant than the others

setting aside the old, and
embracing the new -
is it more notable today?
more meaningful on the day
when the third number
(__/__/**) changes
than any other day ...
say, for instance, May 23rd?

together, though, we mark this time
with hope and expectation
the New Year
    not yet having explored its potential
offering the hope of new and better
    (habit and pain, too, but we choose
to hope ...

remembering (or not) that
new year's day is always,
    still
        Christmas