Back Squats and Squat Cleans

I did back squats earlier this week. They were programmed at the gym where I work out, but I couldn’t get to the gym that day … so I did a few sets in the garage. I hadn’t done back squats for years, maybe not since I broke myself over five and a half years ago.

Back squats scare me now. I’ve been front squatting since the accident with no (psychological) problem. See, if the bar is too heavy during a front squat, you just drop it in front of you. But if the bar is too heavy during a back squat, you have to move quickly to get out of the way when you drop the bar it doesn’t land on your back. And I get worried about injuring my back, especially since I don’t move very quickly or with much agility any longer.

But this week I sucked it up, put some (light) weight on the bar, and did some back squats. Something wasn't quite right, though. So I shot some video of me squatting, and it was ugly. It was obvious that I don’t have the range of motion I once did, and I have almost no strength in the bottom of the squat.

These things were on my mind yesterday when the coach at the gym told us that the cleans in the strength portion of our workout were supposed to be squat cleans. I haven’t done squat cleans for years, probably not since I broke myself over five and a half years ago. I had lost much of the mobility and quickness and explosive strength that’s necessary to do that movement safely.

Back when 60 kilo cleans were easy

So yesterday at the gym I thought, “I’ll do power cleans instead” … until I remembered the ugly squats from earlier in the week and recognized that I won’t ever build up strength and mobility in the bottom of a squat without actually doing the work. So lightweight squat cleans it was. Twelve reps. And three of them, for the tiniest part of the lift, felt almost perfect.

I still wish my current physical limitations would just evaporate, that the injury to my spinal cord would magically heal itself, and that I would be able to move like I used to. I still look with nostalgic envy at other people in the gym when they're lifting as much as I used to lift. But my muscles still don't work the way the should. I still have a hard time placing my feet exactly where I want them to be when I approach the bar. The lifts are still not as smooth as they should be. I still limp when I walk away from the barbell … and everywhere else.

But for those three reps, a tiny part of the movement felt like it did six years ago. I had set up correctly before the lift. The barbell went up smoothly. I found just enough explosiveness from my quads and glutes that I felt it - there was that split second during the third pull when I extended fully, the barbell floated weightless, and I moved almost perfectly under the bar so I could catch it on my shoulders. 

Those three tiny moments, while the bar was weightless as I moved the way I used to, felt really good.

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 It was three years ago yesterday when I was allowed to walk around the world without continuing to wear a brace which kept my neck and torso from twisting. In other words, three years ago, I got out of the turtle shell. 

PT in the turtle shell three years ago

One of the computer algorithms reminded me of that anniversary while I was working out yesterday. When I checked my phone after the workout, I saw the reminder - so I scrolled back to a few days prior to that anniversary in my photos, and found one of me doing a workout (aka, outpatient Physical Therapy) while I was still in the turtle shell. 

Being reminded just after a workout yesterday of where I was three years ago felt like a pretty good advertisement for CrossFit, especially because the post-workout conversation I was involved in had us looking up best times for one of the named CrossFit workouts (Nancy, if you’re curious - my best time is 15:07). 

At a competition six years ago

I was fitter before the accident than I am now. I was stronger, faster, more mobile, more agile, and generally more capable. And the fact that I was relatively fit is likely a significant reason that I’m currently not either in a wheelchair or walking with crutches. 

Part of the reason that I can move around as much as I can now is luck. If my spinal cord injury had been complete, I’d be in a wheelchair no matter how fit I would have been before. But my spinal cord injury was incomplete, which means that I did not lose all sensation and muscle control. So I’m lucky because my injury could have been more significant. 

And also, part of the reason I can move around as much as I can now is because I had spent seven years working out in a CrossFit gym trying hard to improve my fitness - strength and mobility and agility and capability and persistence and resilience. 

I believe that the fact that I’m able to walk without assistance, that I’m able to move around the world in a way such that most people likely wouldn’t notice that I have a physio-neurological impairment, is (I believe) a huge nod to the effectiveness of CrossFit. 

$0.02